I always try to explain to others my life pre-Connor -- before I fell in love with this perfect guy. I try to articulate how different I was internally and I struggle to get my point across. That's partly because words, as much as they can free you, they can also severely limit you at your most extreme emotional peaks or valleys. But also because of how impossible it is to articulate something as personal and non-concrete as internal involvement. Only I know where my thoughts were at that time in my life and what my heart was telling me. Here I go trying to explain something so abstract yet again... (my writer self doesn't let me give up!).
There's a very specific independence that you feel when you come to terms with who you are and accepting that self -- a self that is simply yours and no one else's. I believe some people may never experience this in their life. They went from one relationship to the next and somehow missed this phase. But I certainly felt that comfort before Connor. I was happy being on my own, and enjoying the time to explore the fantasy of my mind and where it could take me. I dreamed of so many things other than love and commitment. I had faith in the future I was going to build myself with no one else's input.
Then one day that version of myself slowly started to blend into another picture. I imagine it just like a kaleidoscope: one beautiful image slowly morphing to another -- some parts staying constant and others molding into something new. People say love shouldn't change you, but I find that absurd. It's
Becoming part of another human being is intense. Every day I spent with Connor, I felt myself getting more emotionally intertwined and invested, and it scared me. I remember one night, before bed, I looked at him and thought, "If I were ever to lose this person completely, what would I feel?" And my heart sank like a rock into my stomach, and I realized CRAP! This is what it's like to really love someone! It's fear, anxiety, amazement, magic, worry, a spectrum of emotions that you can barely get a handle of while you stir the sugar into your morning coffee.
So there was that. My first huge emotional transformation all wrapped up in another human's physical self. It's easy to invest your life in the intangible--ideas that float around like imaginary paper airplanes. They are safe and untouched by the threats of real life, like car accidents and Ebola. But human flesh --something so tangible and fragile-- held my entire emotional being. SCARY! After five years of journeying through life as a couple, I learned how to deal with that huge love. I had to compartmentalize it into all the fibers of my being. Just like how the extensive amount of shoes in my closet fall into their own little pockets of space in my closet, my love has found pockets of space in my body: nose, pinky toe, elbow...until my entire body has consumed this utterly huge amount of love.
And just as I got used to organizing this massive, eluding collection of feelings, I now try to grapple with yet another enormous life change --bringing a child into this world. Wait. Let me elaborate -- our child -- a child produced from that crazy, ridiculous, intense love that I always try to put into frivolous words. So now this love is multiplied by numbers too large to crunch on the most intelligent scientific calculator you could imagine. Here comes that heart attack feeling creeping up on me.
What am I supposed to do with this all of this? My living closet self has no more pockets! Will I explode from trying to stuff so much emotional paraphernalia in this 5 foot nothing space? I am paralyzed by the idea of seeing the physical manifestation of this love. I dream of it at night and wake up with my heart beating out of my chest. This little girl has stolen my heart since the day I found out she was growing in my belly. And yet however large this weight gets, there is nothing left to do but expand! My pockets will grow pockets and those mysteriously enduring spaces where our deepest feelings live all over our body will stretch to unreasonable limits to fit and contain the boundless love I have for this precious little girl.
As the months went by and the stakes got higher during this pregnancy, all I could do is pray. Ever day, I pray for her health and safety; I pray for my husband to stay healthy and safe as he will soon have 2 ladies waiting for him to come home every day to hug him tightly, and I pray for myself to have the strength to bear all this love and all the worry it brings with it.
Becoming a mother is a genuinely fascinating experience. It's such an incredible feeling to grow a life inside of you and to carry that memory with you forever. I will never forget the feeling of hearing Mia's heartbeat for the first time, or feeling her first kick. I will never forget the worry I feel if she stops moving for more than 10 minutes and praying to God to feel even the smallest movement so I can breathe normally again (yes, I'm that neurotic!). I will never forget throwing up every morning and night in the first 3 months and yet still finding the energy to smile because you know you're feeling like crap for a reason WAY better than eating bad Chinese food.
So, this is what a mother-to-be feels like at 37 weeks waiting (impatiently!) to finally hold her baby in her arms. I will surely post what all of this feels like after I meet my baby girl so soon!
Love,
A mommy with ever-growing pockets of love <3
