After an offensively hot day of teaching in a high school without air conditioning, I feel exhausted and yet eager to share my thoughts on some of the strange experiences I've had while pregnant. I came home today, damp from sweat, so of course I wasn't feeling my greatest. Luckily, the hubby was home with a giant smile on his face and waiting for me with the biggest and coziest hug. After dealing with irritable people all day in the scorching heat, it's so nice to come home to unconditional love.

Anyway! I was washing the dishes, recollecting my day, and I had come to a bothersome conclusion: women are consistently made a target for critique in regard to physical appearance. So, I started thinking about all the comments I've received while pregnant about my looks. Before I start divulging some of these comments, I feel it necessary to first consider why we feel the importance to examine a woman's physical appearance with such scrutiny. And what I found to be most irritating is that the majority or all of these criticisms come from women themselves.

So, ultimately, the subject of all the scrutiny is also the agent of the scrutinizing. How strange! Or maybe it isn't. If women are consistently feeling attacked about their weight, make-up, or clothes, does it eventually transform their own mode of thinking? I think so. I think it starts to transform their way of viewing themselves and other women.

Woman as the model of idealistic sexuality and physicality is certainly not new. That is an archetype that we are all aware of in any region or culture. But I still do find it strange that some women would rather subject their peers, in either slight or prodigious ways, to this meaningless stereotype.

So! Back to where I started. Early enough in pregnancy (just over a month pregnant), I already started to hear an array of comments such as, "Your face definitely looks different." Or "You already look much fuller." Or my personal favorite "You were so thin and small. It's so weird to see you with a belly." Do I truly believe these people mean any harm? I'm positive most of them don't. Maybe some do, but I'd like to strongly believe the former. Regardless of their intentions, these women choose to focus their attention immediately on the physical aspect of pregnancy because that's what they were conditioned to do since early in age. It has been so rare that I have had the wonderful experience of discussing the beautiful, transformative, emotional journey of pregnancy. Instead, the conversation is reduced mostly to swollen ankles, enlarged breasts, and mysteriously subtle, but present, changes to my face.

Unfortunately women, pregnant or not, experience this kind of critique on a regular basis. Whether it's a bad hair day, or you decide not to wear make-up and are told all day that you look tired and in need of sleep. Whether or not the woman in front of you is intellectually capable of holding a stimulating conversation, you decide instead to mention something as mundane and arbitrary as her choice of attire. How funny it would be to see one man approach another man about the length of his pants.

All women know the feeling of being reduced to the length of their skirt, the neckline of their blouse, or a number on a scale. We all know that horrible feeling of having to feel ashamed of our femininity for either dressing in some unfitting way or not wearing enough concealer. Because we are all familiar with that awful feeling, we should make a genuine effort to support one another by not torturing one another with mindless, outdated notions of female beauty and standards. We should instead respect one another for their accomplishments by reminding each other how strong and intelligent we truly are.

Will this ridiculously lengthy post change everything? NO. Of course not, but if I at least made one person think about this topic, then I can smile. :) I know I want my daughter growing up to be supported by the words of women, not afflicted by them.

Love,
Mandy

The Love of 3

What a whirlwind the past couple of months have been! I am so excited to just spill all the beans and catch you up on our past 5 months.

In early January, Connor and I received the happiest (albeit kinda scary!) news of our lives: we are expecting our first baby in September of this year! Finding out the news was truly life changing, but ever since that day, I've only grown more excited to be a mommy. This certainly wasn't in our 2 year plan, but sometimes God has different plans for us. And I have to say, plans that involve this big of a blessing have to be welcomed with open arms. :)

The first three months of pregnancy were.... difficult. Morning sickness took a hold on my soul and decided it wasn't letting go for a long time. Every morning without fail, I felt as though I was up all night sucking down the strongest margaritas on Earth without stopping to breathe. And it lasted ALL DAY. Whoever termed it "morning" sickness is a cruel person. If you have the misfortune of experiencing morning sickness, it will be a 24 hour battle. Ultimately, that completely ruined food. FOOD. One of my greatest joys and pleasures in life as most of you know from my blog. EVERYTHING LOOKED, TASTED, AND WENT DOWN like it was vomit. Oh, too much information? I apologize, but after living through that, I feel as though just hearing about it is the smallest favor this world can give back to me! ;) And forget about cooking! Handling raw meat... no. way.

It's a girl!!

So now, at week 22, what's the difference? EVERYTHING! Everything is different. I can eat (voraciously) and I can actually stay awake past 7:30pm! That was a delightful and welcomed change after falling asleep on the couch almost immediately after dinner every night for 2 months. Sleeping (during the day) I think was the only thing that helped me survive the death grip of morning sickness. Unfortunately for me, I was not sleeping at night! Sleeping at night was disrupted by stomach upset, headaches, frequent bathroom trips, and anxiety. But I'm very happy to say those days are long gone! Of course not the frequent bathroom trips. I am still zombie-ing my way to the loo at least 2 times a night. I always imagine the baby at night locating my bladder and just kicking it or squeezing it for fun like it's a rubber toy. It's her nighttime antics already at play.

It's obvious from reading this, I've experienced all the ugly and troubling symptoms of pregnancy. But what about all the good? I have to tell you-- the good is what will get you. It will make you feel like the happiest and strongest woman in the world. The good makes me believe in all the butterflies and rainbows in the world because there is nothing better than growing a life inside of you --a  special life that is the product of love. I feel incredibly lucky, already, to be the mom to my little girl. Whenever I feel her moving around in my tummy, I get this overwhelming emotion that makes me unbelievably thankful that I'm here on this planet. All the crummy stuff that we go through on a regular basis means nothing because in the scope of it all, it doesn't matter. Mean people, bills, Mondays, traffic, paper cuts, the common cold... NONE of that sums up life. What really matters is growing the amount of love you create and give in this world.

How could a human the size of a papaya make me come to such a cheesy life altering conclusion? It's hard to articulate quite honestly. I don't think it can easily be explained. It's something I wouldn't have ever understood until I experienced it. Seeing my baby grow from the size of a gummy bear at week 8 to a 20 week baby that has hands that curl into a fist and knees that bend and allow her to kick and flip around is magic! Sure, it sounds cliche. But cliches are true. Pregnancy is a miracle and I wouldn't change this whole life-flipping-upside-down thing for anything in the world.

Most of the comments I hear about being pregnant with a husband in medical school are laden with anxiety and fear.. understandably! The first three months, I would toss around in bed for hours wondering how this will all work out. Then last week in a public bathroom,  after some light conversation, an older woman said to me, "You guys are brave. Trust me, you won't ever regret the adventure." I looked at her with so much surprise because that was the coolest thing anyone has said to me yet.

Connor and I have never really lived an "ordinary" life since we met. We always laugh about it. It's been a wild, crazy, and ridiculously fun ride since we first fell in love with each other. The intensity of our connection was sometimes too much for a few people, but that same intensity has blessed us with nothing but success and happiness. I have an unending faith in God that Connor, me, and our precious baby will be protected on our crazy journey. Some people were meant for the extraordinary adventure in life because they can handle the ride. I think that's us. You can't avoid the downs of the ride either, but we always get through them because we love each other. And now, we're even luckier, because the love of 2 is growing to the love of 3.

Love,
Mandy

Embracing the Moment

After being told by my very genuine father-in-law that my blog was becoming "stale," (Thanks, Dad in law for your honesty! ;)) I thought I should finally come out of my writing coma and get right back into it!

Connor and I have been really enjoying our break together... I think a little too much because it is flying right by us! Soon enough we will be right back to our work routines. I'm certainly not looking forward to that. I've been in such a relaxed state, just thinking about going back to work makes my eye twitch and my throat dry up. Next Monday morning, I will be like a 7 year old crying and yanking at my bed sheets. I shudder just thinking about it. Let's go back to dream land now.

So far, Connor and I have traveled all over to visit family for the holidays. I hope all of you had a wonderful and happy Christmas! We had such a blast celebrating our first Christmas together as a married couple. It was extra special because my family joined Connor's for an extravagant X-Mas Eve dinner at my in-law's out east. It was so much fun and the food was incredible, as always. I really can't brag enough. It's just that good! We had the tenderest filet mignon I could ever imagine tasting, along with many other goodies. There's seriously nothing like holiday eating! I can't remember what life was like just a week ago because I started stuffing my face every 2 hours. I'm getting hungry just thinking about it...Yikes.

My family stayed over our little home and we spent Christmas morning together eating a yummy breakfast and opening gifts. It was the perfect way to spend the holiday, in my opinion. I couldn't be happier.

We also did some shopping last weekend and got some great deals at the outlets! I bought a really great Coach purse and wallet, and Connor racked up some great shirts at J.Crew. The deals are too good to be ignored!! Well, we had to take advantage of all the sales because we sure won't be shopping like this again anytime soon! After the holidays, my wallet starts coughing up dust, which is a sign to start saving again.

How could I not mention this sooner? It's New Year's Eve! I'm sure I just gave it away that I'm not doing anything super noteworthy tonight. NYE is kind of overrated for me, and I just can't understand all the hype sometimes. I get that it's very intriguing to be able to reinvent yourself for a new year. I myself get intrigued by that, too. But quite honestly, NYE is way more depressing to me than it is exciting. I find it sad how time is so fleeting and how most people and things rush life just to get to another goal or time. I wish  we could appreciate the present much more than we actually do. I know that not everyone treats NYE as some throw away of the old and in with the new, but that's often the idea represented by it. I guess when it really comes down to it the day is all about hope. People need hope in order to feel motivated and like they are moving forward. And a fresh start in a year has that exact appeal that they are searching for. I can't argue against the power behind hope. I certainly have many hopes for the upcoming year: I hope Connor does outstandingly on his boards, I hope I survive this first year teaching without anymore tears and hair pulling moments, and I hope my husband and I can enjoy more time together, despite our hectic schedules. However, I do want to take time to say that we are free to resolve to do anything at any time in our lives, not just one day of the year. And if you are going to resolve to do something for the year, let it include enjoying the present because in the blink of an eye, it's gone.

2013 has brought me so many memories. I got married to my best friend and got my first teaching job . So, I have a lot to be thankful for. Who knows what this year will bring our way. I will be hopeful that it will be nothing but good things. I don't know if it could top this year, though!

Okay, that's all for my cliche rant! I wish everyone an exciting and safe New Year's Eve! Make sure you get that lucky kiss at midnight. Can't wait for mine with my hubby! ;)

Love,
Mandy

Brownies make everything better

Hey guys, I'm happy I'm posting within the same month. I'm patting myself on the back for this one. I hope everyone had a great weekend. I couldn't be more bummed that it's already over. How could it be that we are already back at Monday? This routine of human life is quite cruel to us.

Connor and I have been going to church almost every Sunday lately. I'm thankful he got me back into going because lately I really need the time to search deep within myself for peace. In that hour, I try to remain thankful for the all the good things I have in my life... mainly my wonderful husband, my health, and my family. I'm trying to work on staying hopeful about things in general. I know that life can't always be easy. That's not how we learn and grow into better people. This must be one of God's tests that I must pass. I know I'm certainly failing now, but I think I'll get there in some time.

In the meantime, I'm praying and keeping myself busy with things I love to do. I try to limit the amount of time I spend doing work at home because I was becoming overwhelmingly bitter and just unpleasant. Unfortunately, I didn't get much work done at school this week because it was report card week. So this weekend I had to bring A LOT of work home. Major disappointment. But I did manage to carve some time out for myself. Connor and I spent Saturday shopping around for a bed. We bought a queen size mattress about a month ago and have been sleeping sans bed for just about that long! We gave our full size bed away to my parents to have for when we visit upstate. It's crazy how quickly I got used to the view down below. It wasn't TOO bad. We, of course. had a box spring, which gave us a little lift. But we decided it was time! We were done living like moochers crashing on someone's floor.

The real push to buy the bed was the $300 gift card we received in the mail from Verizon Fios for signing up 3 months ago! It was such a nice surprise. I forgot we were even getting it. We decided the best thing to do with it would be to buy the bed that we so desperately needed. We went to Ikea and got a really awesome bed for $400! I couldn't be happier. Now I feel like I'm sleeping in a hotel bed. That was a great pick-me-up after a pretty crummy week. Despite having Monday off, the week felt like an eternity!

I am seriously looking forward to the Thanksgiving break. It will be SUCH  a relief from the monotony. I'm hoping during my break I can become a normal person again and feel some kind of relaxation. It will also be nice to get away. Leaving the state will be such a nice mini-vacation. :)

Tonight, to get myself out of my Sunday depression, I baked paleo brownies. My friend made them over the summer and they were honestly the most delicious brownies I had ever tasted. I know some people think it's impossible for healthy treats to be as good as the original (unhealthy) version, but, for me, this was WAY better. They were light (not greasy at all), but still rich and yummy. Plus, I was so happy to break into my coconut oil stash. I've been stocking up on coconut oil as if the apocalypse was approaching. I can't see it on sale or else I have to buy 2 jars. It's usually so expensive, but I've been getting good deals on it lately... like $6 a jar!! :O Unheard of!

I hope you all have a lovely week! I'm praying very hard that it will fly on by... especially Wednesday (stupid after school meetings, BLAH).

Love,
Mandy

Against the Grain

Hello everyone! Almost an entire month later, here I am! I apologize yet again for my inability to write more consistently as I used to. Unfortunately, my job continues to eat up my energy... among many other things..

Lately, I've been in a bit of a funk. When I first started this blog, I promised myself and the readers of this blog that I wouldn't let it go down that dark, familiar road known as Negativity. I would avoid being pessimistic about Connor's hectic journey, and the affect it would have on our marriage. Luckily, those initial concerns I had really have not taken a toll on us. Of course, there are days when I just want to come home from work and spend all my time with him until bedtime, and we just can't. He has loads of work to do, and I just have to take my hour of dinnertime and be happy! That sometimes gets me a little bummed, but for the most part, I'm pretty used to it by now. Not to mention, seeing him be so successful makes all of the sacrifice worth it. He's completely flourishing in all of his endeavors and that has somehow left me looking into a mirror and questioning: Am I flourishing?

I've been getting really down on myself with my current career choice, and how it has been a bit of a letdown. I have always been a bit (okay A LOT) of an idealist. I always imagined the world full of creative possibilities and magical wonder. I  promised myself I would never cage myself just because societal expectations told me to. I was meant to be who I am and not what others wanted me to be. That motivation to dance to the beat of my own drummer always took me down a more bumpy road, but I never once believed I was making a mistake. I wasn't lying to myself--I was living the most accurate version of the life I wanted. During my college years, I was happy with myself and where I saw myself in ten years. I had lofty, creative endeavors and I would reach them all.

Everyone Almost every person over the age of 30 told me I was unrealistic, and that someday I would have to tame my wild spirit and be more pragmatic. My mother was metaphorically beating her head against the wall trying to get me to realize that I was making my life more difficult than it needed to be. The people of the world value stability. The more stable you are, the more successful you were in the eyes of others. So that day finally came, like clockwork, when I decided all my dreams and all that I wanted for my life was unreachable. All of it would lead me to financial insecurity and frustration. With that realization came the decision to choose pragmatism and security because that's what adults have to do. We cannot afford to be selfish because we don't live our lives for ourselves. We live it for the future--for the house we plan on buying in years to come, for the children who have yet to be born, and for the bank accounts we hope to cushion our comfortable lifestyle.

I am now in the middle of my decision to be what others expected me to be and am now faced with dissatisfaction. (This is the negativity that I foreshadowed just a paragraph earlier, if you couldn't tell.) I feel creatively stunted and pressured to limit myself on an everyday basis. I feel regret for time that I now cannot get back when my options were endless and could have done so many other things. Now, thousands of dollars in debt for an education that has led me, not to my ideal profession, but to functionality traps me in my pragmatic prison. Yes, the bitterness could not be more realistic. I choose "reality" and I am now living it in its realest form.

What does this mean for me? ...because simply wallowing in disappointment gets us nowhere. I shouldn't sit around admiring the walls of the hole I dug myself into. I could blame others, but why? Everything was done by my own volition. Do I rediscover my idealistic roots? Do I get even more realistic, and remind myself that I have a husband in medical school who needs a supportive wife, and not a whimsical fairy living in dreamland? I am still figuring all of this out. Some people decide to live their dreams, and some people decide live for comfort: to stay within the boundaries they created for themselves for fear of instability and failure. What I do know is that in years to come, I don't want to look back at my 25 year old self and think, "What was I thinking? You had all the time in the world to live the life you wanted, and yet you chose stasis out of fear."

Forgetting our childhood imagination appears to be a prerequisite to adulthood. You can't pass go without checking your creativity and all of your captivating idiosyncrasies at the door. Choosing to become the standard is somehow the objective looming over our heads. But that doesn't have to be the norm. For some, practicality was, is, and always will be their driving force. For others, it's not. I know no matter what you choose takes bravery. It takes guts to choose something with everything you have and stick with it. I did that the day I married my best friend and would do it a million times over. Love has been the only thing I've chosen with everything I have.

Now if I could find the equivalent in my professional life, then I will have wholly found Eudaimonia. Glad I could end on an idealistic note. :)

Love,
Mandy

Fall Season = Cold/Flu Season

Hi guys! I hope everyone has enjoyed this Fall weather we've been having. Last weekend, my mom and niece visited and we went to a pumpkin patch in town. It was so much fun! We bought 2 big pumpkins to put next to our big basket of mums. We also bought a yummy, homemade pumpkin bread loaf. Delicious! Nothing like the Fall season.

Unfortunately, Fall has also brought with it ILLNESS. Connor was sick all of last week, and now it's my turn. :( UGH. I have been fighting this horrible cold now for a couple of days, and I can't take it anymore! I'm going through tissues like crazy and I'm sick of sounding like a 90 year old man. It also stinks not being able to do my normal routine. I'm just really looking forward to feeling healthy again. :(

Connor will be shadowing the gastro doc tomorrow while I snuggle on the couch with my pillow and a box of kleenex. He's been really getting into his time at the gastrointestinal practice. He's also getting really good with IVs :O I'm not sure how he can handle doing something like that. Hence why I'm am but a mere educator while he is a student doctor. I can't even bare to watch someone else put an IV into an arm let alone be the person doing the jabbing. 

His study schedule has been pretty consistent. BUT that will soon change because his next content exam is quickly approaching. So the small amount cuddly time I get is going to go right out the window! Major bummer. Hopefully, it will come and go painlessly. 

Progress reports go out next week, so I spent the past 2 days writing comments. Not very fun! Doing that on top of everything else (planning, grading, MAKING A GAJILLION COPIES and praying hard that the copier doesn't crap out) wasn't really that great. Thankfully, it's done and submitted! I'm starting to quickly realize that the responsibilities of being a teacher never really end. You could try  to get to the end of that pile of work, but as soon as you do, another pile falls right back down onto your lap. There is literally no such thing as an "end" to all of it.... well of course, not until June 27th! That will be quite a nice end to the madness. Until then, might as well cozy right on up to that pile and get acquainted. Hmph.

Last Sunday, I decided to make a cozy, Fall meal with lots of color. I didn't have a complete plan, but I followed my instincts and I made this!

It was so delicious! I made a lemon chicken with rosemary and roasted red and sweet potatoes. I sauteed the chicken in a pan while I broiled the potatoes in the oven. It was savory and sweet. And I made enough to have leftovers for the next day, which made my Monday very easy. Gotta remember this meal for future dinners! :)

 

Things to look forward to:

1. Pep Rally! I really love the Pep Rally at the HS. It reminds me of all the fun of being a teenager and how much I wish I could go back and really appreciate all of it. And it's also so wonderful to see the kids really enjoy it.

2. Halloween!! My all-time favorite holiday! Last year, Hurricane aka Tropical Storm Sandy totally ruined Halloween for me! I got 2 doorbell rings the whole night, which was a complete letdown. I was totally excited to have my first Halloween in my own house, but that was a bust. So I'm really looking forward to this year's. 

3. Soup Party!! My mother-in-law throws an annual Soup Party (which I blogged about last November) and it's coming up soon. It is one of the best Fall celebrations ever, and I can't wait to eat, drink, and be merry.

Stay happy and healthy, everyone! It's Fall which means beautiful, cool weather and cold and flu season! Gotta take the good with the bad, I guess!

Love,

Mandy

Behind the Curtain of Teaching

Yes, I have come back from the dead! I apologize for taking such a long hiatus. Starting my first year of teaching has seriously hit me like a ton of bricks. It's been really time consuming and just as exhausting as I dreaded it to be. It's not only lots of work during school hours, but also at home. I barely get to come home, relax, and spend time with hubby! :(

I'm hoping that I will soon fall into a routine that will allow me more free time at home. What I have learned so far from just my first 2 full weeks of teaching:

1. Kids today are SERIOUSLY not the same as past generations. This isn't one of those comments that your grandparents made like, "Oh, back in my day...." despite sounding like one. Children today are very different. They have access to way more than we ever did in our youth, which is simultaneously beneficial and harmful.Their perspective of the world can become too complex for their maturity level based on what they learn from unfiltered media. Does this mean children should be brought up in a bubble? Absolutely not! But there should be some progression to them obtaining knowledge about specific things. They are also generally more daring, vocal, and repelled by authority and traditional education, i.e. lecturing, note-taking, obeying classroom rules, and doing anything non-technological or hands-on. And yes, most children by nature have never really liked those things, but in the past have felt much more obligated to follow directions regardless of liking it or not. This tells me education needs to take a new direction.

2. Just because someone is a certain age doesn't mean they are an "adult." Plenty of "adults" I have encountered do not live up to adult expectations, i.e. being professional, caring, ethical, and just. We expect certain behavior from people based on age, and I think that leaves us feeling frustrated and confused. Some people, despite years of experience, don't learn how to be kind or fair to others or even themselves.... And some young people will leave us happily surprised with their maturity, which is always wonderful!

3. Being a teacher requires an excellent sense of balance. You need to know how to balance the energy of a classroom (having fun but also learning), your home life (lesson-planning/grading but also unwinding), and your relationships with colleagues (being respectful of one another despite having differing teaching styles and opinions). All aspects of the profession require you to constantly monitor your behavior and how you prioritize your responsibilities. This is just a good skill to have in any profession.

4. Caring TOO much makes you TOO vulnerable. This is an extension of #3. As a teacher you want nothing but the best for every one of your students and for them to succeed. However, we can only do so much and the child has to meet you halfway. Leaving yourself too emotionally involved isn't healthy and can often leave you feeling disappointed and cynical. Your expectations will not always be the same as theirs. Teaching is a job and as much as it involves being a passionate individual, it is still just a job.

5. Being considered a "good" teacher is so variant depending on who is doing the judging. Trying to prove to others that you are "effective" at what you do is dangerous to your skill. It will most likely render you "ineffective" because you're no longer enjoying what you do, but instead are constantly evaluating yourself using another person's scale. If you leave your class feeling like you did the best job you could possibly do, were fair to every student in the classroom, and also enjoyed what you did for at least 70% of your day then you can go home knowing you are a "good" teacher. People expect too much from teachers and wearing yourself thin does not prove anything to anyone.

Those are just 5 of the many things I have learned so far, and I know plenty more are to follow. I have already been on such a roller coaster ride of highs and lows that I can understand so clearly why teachers are some of the most caring, stressed-out, and intelligent people I know. Anyone who really believes teaching is an easy profession is truly ignorant to the reality of it all. The courage that it takes to guide another human's future and hope that he or she follows that course that you set before them is immense. And crazily enough, I am almost positive teaching takes about only 30% of the courage it takes to be a parent.

I know I haven't updated much about Connor's side of things. I felt it necessary to spare a post on what is eating up most of my life (and to be fair now half of his life also). Connor is a great team player and listens to all of my rants and helps me cook and clean up after I'm worn out from my day. I'm so incredibly thankful to have him as a husband and best friend. He's been doing such a great job with balancing school and our life at home together. We make sure to eat dinner together every day and have an hour after dinner to just unwind on the couch. That's my favorite part of the day. :)

On a really happy note... Fall is almost here! So looking forward to apple and pumpkin picking and baking lots of pies!

Love,
Mandy